I Care … But not that much!

By Paul Shearstone

A simple thesaurus-search on the word ‘Care’ reveals the following:

Mind,
Concerned,
Worry,
Think About,
Be Bothered

A quick look around the workplace, or anywhere else for that mater, reveals a world of Mindful, Concerned, Worried, Thinking and Bothered people. On the surface, it would appear we all care a fair bit. Taking into account the exponential increase over the last couple of decades in diseases like Chronic Fatigue, Depression and stress related Emotional Burnout, the question that begs to be answered is, Do we, as a generation, “Care Too Much?”

In a word, Yes! …The statistics on stress and the ramifications from it are far too compelling as is the evidence we see in society today. I, a Chronic Fatigue [CFS] Survivor, have lived it! To overcome it, I also had to learn from it. For example, the new – albeit subtle – way, in which I Care.

In his best selling book, “You can Negotiate Anything!” Herb Cohen espoused that to appear too concerned during any negotiation, was to put one’s self at a disadvantage. Simply put, if the other guy knows you really, really, want it, he then know you’ll pay a premium for it. To prevent this, Herb suggests we say to our self before any negotiation, “I care… But not that much!”

His strategy is simple. To appear aloof – caring just enough but not too much – we maintain a position of strength. The good news is, it works. On closer inspection, however, we can learn a great deal more from Cohen’s stratagem. The most important being the use of the Mantra, I care but not that much, as a ‘Behavioral Trigger’.

A behavioral trigger is a tool used by people to instantly modify their conduct, attitude or actions. Many parents teach a form of behavioral triggering to their kids at a very young age. Counting to three can give the child who is acting-out in a negative way, enough time to reevaluate his/her behavior and make the necessary changes to avoid parental retribution. Most of us are taught the technique of counting to ten to calm one’s self in a moment of tension. The majority would agree, both counting-strategies work well in the right circumstances.

What, though, has that to do with caring or the lack thereof?

The fact is, most people genuinely care about their jobs and want to do their best at most everything they do. Another fact is my observation that there are only two types of people these days: The Un-Employed and the Over-Employed. A quick look at any corporate or medical environment clearly demonstrates everybody – absolutely EVERYBODY – is pushed to the max, regardless of their standing or vocation and, as a matter of course, are forced to perform under stressful pressure and responsibilities unlike any generation before. It’s just a byproduct of the times. Another byproduct of our times is, as already alluded, the devastating price we pay in stress-related and emotionally damaging consequences.

The reason for this is not all that mysterious. Prolonged exposure to stress will eventually break down even the best of us. The human body can work under pressure for periods of time but not continuously. Stress will eventually emerge the winner, making us the loser.

What then, can we do to combat this if the reality is; our jobs and responsibilities are not likely to get any less stressful?

The answer is, we need to:

1. Become more acutely aware of the times we find ourselves under the most stress, and
   
   
2. Learn how to pull back – Diminish the stress.

How can this be done? One way is by learning to use a Behavioral Trigger.

In the recent movie, “Meet the Fockers”, Robert Dinero’s uptight character used the word Muskrat, any time his blood pressure was about to blow. The mere mention of the word by him or his wife would immediately trigger a ‘stand-down’ or ‘relax’ response. The important lesson here is how the word Muskrat was utilized as a tool or a trigger resulting in an abrupt positive attitudinal reflex. A letting go, if you will, of the stresses that fill the moment allowing calm to reestablish itself. This procedure is a learned technique and must be practiced for best results.

The word Muskrat is not the only word to choose from, however, which brings us back to how Herb Cohen’s mantra, I care… But not that much!, works so well in stressful circumstances.

Note that Herb is not for one moment, suggesting he doesn’t care. In fact, he does care. Here, however, is the subtle but powerful lesson we need to learn from the last part of his statement ‘But not that much!’

To make the point more clear, allow me to finish his sentence: I care… But not that much…“To let it Hurt Me!”

People need to understand that self-preservation is a good thing. Doing a great job or being the best we can be, is also a good thing – but not if the price we pay is our health, happiness or long-term quality of life. That is too high a price to shell out.

In the same way we are taught the skills necessary to do our jobs well and maintain our dedication to responsibilities, we must also learn how to manage ourselves under prolonged pressure such that our health and happiness are maintained.

To get into the habit of saying, I care, but not that much, when we experience stress or unrest, we learn how to trigger the proper, life-balancing response that does diminish the problem.

Often, people use more than one mantra to achieve the desired results. For example, Bobby McFerrin’s song, Don’t Worry… Be Happy! Those words are an excellent follow up to Cohen’s I care…. But not that much!

Bottom Line:

In a world where today, stress and pressure are systemic, people have a life-sustaining obligation to better understand how and what circumstances serve to denigrate their health and well being. They owe it to themselves to learn the benefits of techniques like Behavioral Triggering. The best way might be to Care… But not that much! •

© 2005 Paul Shearstone